Advice to Newlyweds!

Adam & Jennifer Wood

News Flash ... My niece got married this past weekend! Weddings are one of those occasions when people seem to reflect on their own marriages ~ what works & what doesn't & what you've learned along the way. When you look at the love in their young eyes, it's hard to imagine that they need anything more than that to sustain them. Yet those of us with a few years of marriage under our garter belts know, it takes a bit more to keep on track.

I wrote to Jennifer with my own unsolicited advice. In my marriage, I have had to learn to create a "Win-Win" situation whenever possible. We all want our way and it's so easy to get focused on that outcome ~ whether it's where you go on vacation, what couch you purchase for the family room, or how you spend the weekend. While the personal victories along the way may feel momentarily satisfying, they ultimately take a toll on the relationship. When one person feels that they lose, then the relationship takes a hit. It may just be a small chip but damage is done. Whenever possible, strive for that Win-Win in all it's various forms.

My parents offer a great example of this in how they move into a new home. Married 55 years, they have navigated this road a number of times, and as recently as this past year. Their "deal" as they buy new furniture, decorate and landscape works something like this: they take both opinions into consideration. Many times they agree. But if they don't, here's how they decide: if it has to do with something inside the house, Mom gets 51% of the votes. If it's outside, it's Dad's domain!

This works for them in many ways. Frankly, my Dad cares more about what's happening outside than Mother and visa versa. Plus, they respect each other and always honor especially strong feelings. In that way, neither one feels like they are always caving in, losing, coming up short. It is a Win-Win!

Barbara & Bob McFarland
A "Win-Win" 55 Years & Counting

Earlier this week, I read some advice I had never heard before, or at least in this form. Writer Gretchen Rubin has published several books and is currently working on The Happiness Project described as “an account of the year she spent test-driving every conceivable principle about how to be happy, from Aristotle to Ben Franklin to Oprah to Martin Seligman.” Her popular blog, The Happiness Project, details her experiences testing out these principles. She is also a contributing writer for the Real Simple magazine online blog Simply Stated. In a post earlier this month, she wrote about the marital advice she had received. It's worth implementing no matter how long you've been married, and is my new challenge ...

When I got engaged, a friend passed along a piece of advice that she’d heard from her boss: “In a good marriage, both spouses leave three things unsaid each day.”

I was surprised. I thought her advice would be something like, “Remember to say ‘I love you,’” or “Be sure to say ‘Thanks.’” I couldn’t imagine why I would have to leave things unsaid.

Well, now I know. And I realize that this advice was tremendously useful.

I only manage to follow the advice part of the time, but just in the last few days, I’ve left unsaid the following statements:

• I’ve told you that three times already.
• You said you’d try to come, but are you really going to try?
• Can’t you do it this time?
• Don’t stay up late tonight and then, tomorrow afternoon, tell me that you need a nap.
• Can’t we talk about this now?

And these are just the statements I can think of off the top of my head.

Research backs up my friend’s advice to “leave things unsaid.” Studies show that one fact of human nature is that people have a “negativity bias”: we react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good.

For example, within a marriage, it takes at least five good acts to repair the damage of one critical or destructive act.

So, by refraining from making an obnoxious comment, I’m actually doing a lot more to preserve the happiness of my marriage than by making a nice comment. The negative drags us down farther than the positive lifts us up.

by Gretchin Rubin

Comments: What's the best marriage advice you received or would offer? Please share!